Crossing lines

Each line crossed

Diving deeper into you

The parade of life 

This song we sing - both familiar and absurd

I gaze at you from this side of the line and see my old self in you

Blinded by confidence then

Jaded by time 

Mix of jealousy and pride

Looking at you, my former self

And wondering how my formerly may see me now

Did the years do right?

Did you do right..?

Instant Crush - Daft Punk

[Verse 1]
I didn't want to be the one to forget
I thought of everything I'd never regret
A little time with you is all that I get
That's all we need because it's all we can take
One thing I never see the same when you're 'round
I don’t believe in him, his lips on the ground
I wanna take you to that place in the “Roche”
But no one gives us any time anymore
He ask me once if I’d look in on his dog
You made an offer for it, then you ran off
I got this picture of us kids in my head
And all I hear is the last thing that you said

[Pre Chorus]
"I listened to your problems, now listen to mine"
I didn't want to anymore, oh-oh-oh

[Chorus]
And we will never be alone again
'Cause it doesn't happen every day
Kinda counted on you being a friend
Can I give it up or give it away?
Now I thought about what I wanna say
But I never really know where to go
So I chained myself to a friend
'Cause I know it unlocks like a door
And we will never be alone again
'Cause it doesn't happen every day
Kinda counted on you being a friend
Gotta give it up or give it away
Now I thought about what I wanna say
But I never really know where to go
So I chained myself to a friend
Some more again

Connected discordance

The tool is the crime

Opening spaces like windows

Peering into lives similar to your own

They’re like harmonical threads

Tippy dainty butterfly toes

Can you feel my sympathy?

This dream is falling behind

Will you save it? The charlatan is coming

Just as strong and as convincing

Hurry, the outline is enough

Clarity can come later

Hold on, hold on

The windows are closing

Connections of entropy

Speaks a language only you and I

Fortissimo only we can hear

Smile bow and exit

Memories

I remember that first time. On the verge of separation it felt like I had to do all I could to grab onto what I had between us. These spaces, interactions, laughs, jokes, kisses and movements the encompass each moment are so fragile, because once they are gone they are lost forever. That’s why they are so valuable, because they pass by without a whisper, and when you finally realize, that’s when it’s aged like good wine and you an reminisce. But at the same time you won’t be able to remember every single detail. Maybe the warmth of a certain day, the twitch of a lip, the roughness and coldness of the grass scratching and tickling your back as you lay facing towards the sun. It’s not the whole picture, but parts of it. So on that day when I knew it was the end, I did nothing but try to write down each and every single memory. As many and I could recall, but every enough to fill them up. As great as the mind is, it is not perfect in the details and repetition, and in a way maybe that’s why it is so perfect. Because it knows best how to mess you up and how to keep your heart throbbing.

Now with us, I know it is impossible to keep each memory. Alas we did try (well you did). Your box of stuff is a unique romantic treasure of ours. And I presume that it only contains 3 years? There was a lot of recording in the first few years and then came the camera phones and we did some more. But neither is perfect. And neither are the memories of each other. Wasn’t there a saying where they say that nothing is every forgotten? That maybe you just need the right signals to elicit the right memories. Sometimes there would be memories buried at the bottom of the pile that you probably haven’t thought about in years, and with the right scents, the right textures and lighting, they sneeze and wake up…crawl to the top slowly and you open them up like a treasure. Sometimes the mind is a beautiful treasure box where so many beautiful secrets lie dormant… waiting to wake up to be enjoyed, if only for a brief moment.

Within Temptation-Memories

First Love

As descriptive as the title of the song.
Going through the SMSes I was looking for the things that connected C and G. But somehow K seems to pop into the picture... the backdrop for the whole setting. Undeniably, it was what everything was built on to begin with. Sad and cruel. But I'm glad we've all moved on out of that nightmare. Forgiven and forgiving.

Those two and a half years washed and fizzled and ebbing away from the faint linings of the fuller life. Heck even the beginning years of us are tapered. So in a way it's good that we have milestones, so that we don't lose bits and pieces in the unchanging days that blend into one. Maybe that's what I mean when I say that every period as a different flavor. Maybe I was just grouping them according to some big event subconsciously. Isn't that how we differentiate amongst our memories? Dunno, I think I heard about that somewhere lately... from someone.

Listening to Hikki, it brings so many different memories, the very old, the old, and the more recent but not too recent. Different phases of my life over the last decade or so. Few artists do that I guess. Hehe... now I'm starting to feel really really old. I guess I'm just getting prepped for the trip. Which dusty corners to visit :)

Is it right to call people stepping stones? Not in a bad way... but just how they help you to getting to where you are now. Without knowing the wrong and the bad flavors, you'll not experience and learn what you truly want. So in the same way we're a stepping stone too for them. Helping each other in turning each other into the direction we should be going. With or without regrets... I should learn to drop things... baggage... whatever... feel light and move on.

And the concert :)

Time

This little rectangular box. Like a treasure chest of the 21st century. If I didn't have you, what would I occupy my nights with to deal with this loneliness? I still don't know how we coped with those years with SMSes being so expensive. The long wait for the next 25c or 30c message to come along. It's both a small and high price to pay. But there's something so valuable in those, that these pervasive instant messengers of now cannot replace. And at the same time the price cannot be replaced.

Being in Taiwan with so many distractions, I didn't know it was a good thing until I got here. But then there are always two sides to a coin. Now that I do have the time and space I finally get time to write. May it be poems, thoughts, or letters. Writing, is writing and will eventually evolve...hopefully into poems and songs again. I also get the time to read again, which is great. So... not only do I get the time to absorb, but I get the time to create too. 

It's nice to get time to oneself and indulge in things and the creativity, but at the same time there is a part of me that just can't keep herself from you. So even though I can deal with being alone, the moment of hanging up the phone is still so difficult. I can't really explain that feeling but I think you get the gist of it. 

I hope I can go back to that lifestyle I had in South Africa... Maybe it's because it's where we met. Maybe because it's my childhood home. But in a way I think the lifestyle there is the basis for everything, the rudimentary. I hope to spend my free time being constructive and doing things I have always wanted to do, but at the same time, it's so difficult. Over the last three years I have become an incredible consumer... 

How many times have I said sorry now?

I keep asking myself lately if I should let you go. And maybe you've been asking that too of yourself? I can't see what's inside of you and feel how you are feeling. It's like you say it's wrong, but from which direction? Am I putting all of this on you again? Should I just be harsh and cut off all communications because the longer I prolong this the more I'm going to hurt you?

When you tease I feel like maybe there is more to things than friends, and I get anxious like maybe I'm leading you on again and letting things spin out of control. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the first step and we'd just be good friends from the start. I'm trying to make things ok by drawing my line between friendship and romance, and I hope you understand.

What can I do to make you not feel that way for me? I'm sorry for leading you here.