First Love

As descriptive as the title of the song.
Going through the SMSes I was looking for the things that connected C and G. But somehow K seems to pop into the picture... the backdrop for the whole setting. Undeniably, it was what everything was built on to begin with. Sad and cruel. But I'm glad we've all moved on out of that nightmare. Forgiven and forgiving.

Those two and a half years washed and fizzled and ebbing away from the faint linings of the fuller life. Heck even the beginning years of us are tapered. So in a way it's good that we have milestones, so that we don't lose bits and pieces in the unchanging days that blend into one. Maybe that's what I mean when I say that every period as a different flavor. Maybe I was just grouping them according to some big event subconsciously. Isn't that how we differentiate amongst our memories? Dunno, I think I heard about that somewhere lately... from someone.

Listening to Hikki, it brings so many different memories, the very old, the old, and the more recent but not too recent. Different phases of my life over the last decade or so. Few artists do that I guess. Hehe... now I'm starting to feel really really old. I guess I'm just getting prepped for the trip. Which dusty corners to visit :)

Is it right to call people stepping stones? Not in a bad way... but just how they help you to getting to where you are now. Without knowing the wrong and the bad flavors, you'll not experience and learn what you truly want. So in the same way we're a stepping stone too for them. Helping each other in turning each other into the direction we should be going. With or without regrets... I should learn to drop things... baggage... whatever... feel light and move on.

And the concert :)

Time

This little rectangular box. Like a treasure chest of the 21st century. If I didn't have you, what would I occupy my nights with to deal with this loneliness? I still don't know how we coped with those years with SMSes being so expensive. The long wait for the next 25c or 30c message to come along. It's both a small and high price to pay. But there's something so valuable in those, that these pervasive instant messengers of now cannot replace. And at the same time the price cannot be replaced.

Being in Taiwan with so many distractions, I didn't know it was a good thing until I got here. But then there are always two sides to a coin. Now that I do have the time and space I finally get time to write. May it be poems, thoughts, or letters. Writing, is writing and will eventually evolve...hopefully into poems and songs again. I also get the time to read again, which is great. So... not only do I get the time to absorb, but I get the time to create too. 

It's nice to get time to oneself and indulge in things and the creativity, but at the same time there is a part of me that just can't keep herself from you. So even though I can deal with being alone, the moment of hanging up the phone is still so difficult. I can't really explain that feeling but I think you get the gist of it. 

I hope I can go back to that lifestyle I had in South Africa... Maybe it's because it's where we met. Maybe because it's my childhood home. But in a way I think the lifestyle there is the basis for everything, the rudimentary. I hope to spend my free time being constructive and doing things I have always wanted to do, but at the same time, it's so difficult. Over the last three years I have become an incredible consumer... 

How many times have I said sorry now?

I keep asking myself lately if I should let you go. And maybe you've been asking that too of yourself? I can't see what's inside of you and feel how you are feeling. It's like you say it's wrong, but from which direction? Am I putting all of this on you again? Should I just be harsh and cut off all communications because the longer I prolong this the more I'm going to hurt you?

When you tease I feel like maybe there is more to things than friends, and I get anxious like maybe I'm leading you on again and letting things spin out of control. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the first step and we'd just be good friends from the start. I'm trying to make things ok by drawing my line between friendship and romance, and I hope you understand.

What can I do to make you not feel that way for me? I'm sorry for leading you here.

Thoughts

In the darkest of my days and nights, I've learnt to stand on my own without having to resort to desperate phone calls. This belief and trust isn't a feeling, but has now become an integral part of me, just as how your personality and beliefs have influenced me to become both independent and strong. This is rather interesting, because I always thought that the dependency and reliance would be a stronger factor.

That is not to say I don't stop on some days and just feel the unbearable load. But thanks to you, I can handle it now.

As how you've always supported my dreams, I hope to support yours too...

Okay... I'm being nonsensical now. It's time for bed.

SMSes

There is something special about SMSes, not quite like the modern instant messengers and not as personal as a phone call either, rather it's something in between. Not as perverse as the modern instant messengers and savored, cherished. I guess we really do savor things when there is a price tag attached to them. Maybe it's just the human nature.

When something new is created, something else is always lost and mostly these cannot be measured.

Thank you for the SMS books.

Memory

Walking down a little too deep into the memory lane and taking me places I'm not sure I want to go.

Sometimes these things along the way bump you and move you in the direction you're going in now... so to a certain extent I'm grateful... But sometimes when you really think back to these things I can't describe what it is I really feel.

This place gives me too much time to think...

Lady Firework

Meeting you was like lighting fireworks, things just started very quickly, spun out of control with all the sparks and fire display and ended in ashes. I guess I'll call you my Lady Firework. If letting go really is the best option for you, then I wish you well and all the best. Perhaps this was inevitable, which is why we never promised anything... or rather I couldn't promise you anything and that's why in the end you were the one that hurt the most.

Being with you was a once in a lifetime experience for me and I'm glad to have shared it with you. Androgynous, unfamiliar and flirtatious in a way I could never imagine possible. It was truly amusing. Maybe you were my soulmate in another life. I don't think I've ever hit it off with anyone quite like you before. And it was interesting to learn your perspective on life. The weight of your world, and being okay with seeing the world in its clouded form. It was illogical to me, but somehow you made me sympathize. Sometimes it felt like you were another me. You reminded me of me in the past, but at the same time you are like the opposite me.

So now in the aftermath, I truly wish you well from the bottom of my heart. I don't understand why things always end up this way, it must be my personality or something. Maybe I'm just not those type of "exes" with whom you can stay in touch. I don't regret any of it even though I could have just stopped at the friendship part. Maybe it's right this way, to get out before feelings get hurt. I'm not too sure how I am feeling, but I'm thinking about you...