How many times have I said sorry now?

I keep asking myself lately if I should let you go. And maybe you've been asking that too of yourself? I can't see what's inside of you and feel how you are feeling. It's like you say it's wrong, but from which direction? Am I putting all of this on you again? Should I just be harsh and cut off all communications because the longer I prolong this the more I'm going to hurt you?

When you tease I feel like maybe there is more to things than friends, and I get anxious like maybe I'm leading you on again and letting things spin out of control. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the first step and we'd just be good friends from the start. I'm trying to make things ok by drawing my line between friendship and romance, and I hope you understand.

What can I do to make you not feel that way for me? I'm sorry for leading you here.

Thoughts

In the darkest of my days and nights, I've learnt to stand on my own without having to resort to desperate phone calls. This belief and trust isn't a feeling, but has now become an integral part of me, just as how your personality and beliefs have influenced me to become both independent and strong. This is rather interesting, because I always thought that the dependency and reliance would be a stronger factor.

That is not to say I don't stop on some days and just feel the unbearable load. But thanks to you, I can handle it now.

As how you've always supported my dreams, I hope to support yours too...

Okay... I'm being nonsensical now. It's time for bed.

SMSes

There is something special about SMSes, not quite like the modern instant messengers and not as personal as a phone call either, rather it's something in between. Not as perverse as the modern instant messengers and savored, cherished. I guess we really do savor things when there is a price tag attached to them. Maybe it's just the human nature.

When something new is created, something else is always lost and mostly these cannot be measured.

Thank you for the SMS books.

Memory

Walking down a little too deep into the memory lane and taking me places I'm not sure I want to go.

Sometimes these things along the way bump you and move you in the direction you're going in now... so to a certain extent I'm grateful... But sometimes when you really think back to these things I can't describe what it is I really feel.

This place gives me too much time to think...

Lady Firework

Meeting you was like lighting fireworks, things just started very quickly, spun out of control with all the sparks and fire display and ended in ashes. I guess I'll call you my Lady Firework. If letting go really is the best option for you, then I wish you well and all the best. Perhaps this was inevitable, which is why we never promised anything... or rather I couldn't promise you anything and that's why in the end you were the one that hurt the most.

Being with you was a once in a lifetime experience for me and I'm glad to have shared it with you. Androgynous, unfamiliar and flirtatious in a way I could never imagine possible. It was truly amusing. Maybe you were my soulmate in another life. I don't think I've ever hit it off with anyone quite like you before. And it was interesting to learn your perspective on life. The weight of your world, and being okay with seeing the world in its clouded form. It was illogical to me, but somehow you made me sympathize. Sometimes it felt like you were another me. You reminded me of me in the past, but at the same time you are like the opposite me.

So now in the aftermath, I truly wish you well from the bottom of my heart. I don't understand why things always end up this way, it must be my personality or something. Maybe I'm just not those type of "exes" with whom you can stay in touch. I don't regret any of it even though I could have just stopped at the friendship part. Maybe it's right this way, to get out before feelings get hurt. I'm not too sure how I am feeling, but I'm thinking about you...

Jobs...Careers...Misc

I've started to take the "Writing in the Sciences" course again offered by Stanford university. I'm really hoping to get through it this time and get into scientific writing/blogging. I'm not too sure about what I want to do, and I guess it'd just be nice to keep my options open. I've read some really elegant writing so it is evident that my skills still need some (quite a lot!) of sharpening and there is no better place to begin by taking some classes... and of course to blog and get back into writing.

My blogs have always kinda just been a place to document my thoughts so I think for people out there that may be reading this, it may just be rather boring. Either way it's fine, because it's more for me anyway.

Every few years I'm faced with the option to go out into the real world or stay in academia for a bit longer. I'm not prolonging the inevitable, rather I know that this is going to take me to the path I really want in the end. Getting into the R&D bioindustry and hopefully leading my own team one day. But then I was wondering that if I want to lead my own team, wouldn't it be better to stay in academia because at least you get research freedom?

The other option of course, is to go into scientific/medical writing/editing. Writing has always just been a part-time job for me though... and I think I like freedom in my writing. Actually I think I like freedom period.

Is there really a job where you're free to do what you want to do?

Mesmerizing and beautiful- true photography

http://www.wherecoolthingshappen.com/winners-of-the-wildlife-photographer-of-the-year-2013/